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Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Eighteen from Him!
I will bring thy seed from the east, and gather thee from the west; I will say to the north, Give up; and to the south, Keep not back: bring my sons from far, and my daughters from the ends of the earth; Even every one that is called by my name: for I have created him for my glory, I have formed him; yea, I have made him.
Isaiah 43:5-7
This message, found in the center of the Bible, has been a true blessing to us through the years. It was an Old Testament promise to Israel that they would once again live in the Promised Land. Today that same promise holds for the Christians whom the Lord will call his own. Yet, it is also a poignant set of verses which speaks strongly to adoptive parents. And it is the beginning of several of our children's story...for we are parents to children from the east, west, north, and south, who are now called by Christ's name and bring him glory!
Come to find out, God was not done bringing children into our hearts and home.
Come to find out, God was not done bringing children into our hearts and home.
For years we had been praying for a word from the Lord as to whether He wanted us to add more children to our family through adoption. We are still quite young (well...at least that holds true for my wife!) and through experience have learned much about parenting children, regardless of how or where they were come from.
Not to mention, we know Adoption Truth #14:
Never say never to adoption again. As time goes on and you learn to parent the adopted child, there are many more hurting children who need and want parents.
The impression from the Lord to our prayer was yes, but wait. So year after year, we continued to wait and trust that the Lord would make it clear in his timing.
For the vision is yet for an appointed time, but at the end it
shall speak, and not lie: though it tarry, wait for it; because
it will surely come, it will not tarry.
Habakkuk 2:3
Katherine had a desire in her heart to know if we were to adopt again. It was a growing burden for her. On November 16, 2010, she and I went out to dinner. While discussing our life, children, and future over a 'Bloomin Onion', she hit me with the question. She asked if I would be OK with adopting more children. I immediately responded,
“If God drops children in our lap, I am not opposed to it.”
Much to her surprise and mine, on Wednesday, March 9, 2011 the Lord 'dropped four children in our lap'. On September 14, 2012, the Philippines gave us permission to adopt them. Now we wait for more paperwork to be done with the understanding that in 2-3 months from now we will be able to travel to bring them home.
You can follow their story through our 'Journey to Cebu' blog posts at:
http://ontheirjourney.blogspot.com/
Much to her surprise and mine, on Wednesday, March 9, 2011 the Lord 'dropped four children in our lap'. On September 14, 2012, the Philippines gave us permission to adopt them. Now we wait for more paperwork to be done with the understanding that in 2-3 months from now we will be able to travel to bring them home.
You can follow their story through our 'Journey to Cebu' blog posts at:
http://ontheirjourney.blogspot.com/
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Books and More Books
Yea, if thou criest after knowledge, and liftest up thy voice for understanding; If thou seekest her as silver, and searchest for her as for hid treasures; Then shalt thou understand the fear of the Lord, and find the knowledge of God. For the Lord giveth wisdom: out of his mouth cometh knowledge and understanding.
Proverbs 2:3-6
In the early years, we were drowning under issues which ensued after we adopted. We sought counsel from many venues, primarily the Bible and through prayer. Over time the Lord began to lead us to what the adoptive world would call 'unconventional books'. However, through the information in these books our family began to heal and see more clearly though 'through a glass, darkly'.
Thus this book list was formed as the Lord lead us to more and more information 'shedding light' on our cry for help in dealing with our children. May you be blessed by this list as well. Over time we will be 'highlighting' different books in a review, but for now here they are in list form.
Happy Reading!
Book Resources
Adoption Stories
The Family
Nobody Wanted
By Helen Doss
Twelve-Part
Harmony: A Heartwarming Story of Adoption
By Pat and Jill Williams
You’ve Got
to Be Kidding!: Real-life Parenting from a Mom and Dad of Nineteen
By Pat and Ruth Williams (sequel
to Twelve-Part Harmony)
Adoption as
a Ministry, Adoption as a Blessing
By Michelle Gardner
After the
Dream Comes True: Post-Adoption Support for Christian Families
By Michelle Gardner
Christian Adoptive Parenting
Shepherding
a Child’s Heart
By Tedd Tripp
Age of
Opportunity: A Biblical Guide to Parenting Teens
By Paul David Tripp
Instructing
a Child’s Heart
By Tedd & Margy Tripp
What the
Bible says about Child Training
By Richard Fugate
Hints on
Child Training
By H. Clay Trumbull
Raising
Godly Tomatoes
By L. Elizabeth Krueger
The Heart of
Anger
By Lou Priolo
Fool-Proofing
Your Life
By Jan Silvious
Family
Practice: God’s Prescription for a Healthy Home
By R.C. Sproul Jr., Elizabeth
Elliot, and others
Bringing the
Gospel to Covenant Children
By Joel R. Beeke
Parenting
the Wild Child: Hope and Help for Desperate Parents
By Miles McPherson
Don’t Make
Me Count to Three!
By Ginger Plowman
Equipped to
Love: Idolatry-Free relationships
By Norm Wakefield
Parenting
Isn’t For Cowards
By Dr. James Dobson
The Duties
of Parents
By Jacobus Koelman
The Duties
of Parents: Raising Children with Christ
By J.C. Ryle
Christian
Living in the Home
By Jay E. Adams
The Way They
Learn
By Cynthia Ulrich Tobias
Different
Children Different Needs
By Charles F. Boyd
How Children
Raise Parents
By Dr. Dan Allender
The Five
Love Languages of Children
By Gary Chapman and Ross
Campbell
Raising a
Modern-Day Knight
By Robert Lewis
The
Exemplary Husband
By Stuart Scott
The
Excellent Wife
By Martha Peace
Strengthening
Your Marriage
By Wayne A. Mack
Love and
Respect
By Dr.
Emerson Eggerichs
Family
Shepherds: Calling and Equipping Men to Lead Their Homes
By Voddie Baucham Jr.
Thoughts on
Family Worship
By James Alexander
When You
Rise Up: A Covenantal Approach to Homeschooling
By R.C. Sproul Jr.
Clinical Books
Adopting the
Hurt Child: Hope for Families with Special-Needs Kids
By Gregory Keck, Phd. And Regina
Kupecky, LSW
Parenting
the Hurt Child
By Gregory Keck, Phd. And Regina
Kupecky, LSW
The
Invisible Hand: Do All Things Really Work for Good
By Dr. R.C. Sproul
By Ken Sande
War on Words
By Paul Tripp
The Biblical
View of Self-Esteem, Self-love, and Self-Image
By Jay E. Adams
How To Help
People Change: Four-Step Biblical Process
By Jay E. Adams
The
Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s
Developing Mind
By Daniel Siegel
Inside the
Brain: Revolutionary Discoveries of How the Mind Works
By Ronald Kotulak
The Brain
That Changes Itself
By Norman Doidge
The Wounded
Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood S’xual Abuse
By Dr. Dan B. Allender
Ghosts from
the Nursey: Tracing the Roots of Violence
By Robin Karr-Morse and Meredith
S. Wiley
On Combat
By Lt. Col. Dave Grossman with
Loren Christensen
The Boy Who
was Raised as a Dog
By Dr. Bruce Perry and Maia
Szalavitz
Adoption Books
This Means War: Equipping Families for Adoption or Foster Care
By Cheryl Ellicott
Adopting for
Good: A Guide for People Considering Adoption
By Jorie Kincaid
Adopted for
Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families and Churches
By Russell D. Moore
Adoption
Nation: How the Adoption Revolution is Transforming Our Families—and America
By Adam Pertman
By Oswald Chambers
Morning and Evening
By C.H. Spurgeon
Daily Strength for Daily Needs
By Mary W. Tileston
2012, Robert
and Katherine Sanford, Adoption Heart Ministries
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Which 'Institution' Is Best?
[While attending the Lifesong for Orphans Benefit in 2008, we were asked by an orphan advocate from the east-coast to share our thoughts regarding group home verses foster care for children entering 'the system'. This is the response. It is still relevant today.]
Even these two assessments, based on having adopted several children of varying ages and backgrounds, is flawed from the beginning. The reality is, we live in a fallen world where sin is the driving force of man's nature; if he has not been 'born again' of the Holy Spirit. So the act of putting children in a group home, orphanage, or foster home is compounded by the adults and the children they are trying to help. It is difficult enough to deal with a child who lies, steals, and cheats when you have adopted them. It is a whole other game when they are 'Wards of the State' and they are seen as victims of abuse instead of potential abusers themselves. They should be seen as 'little sinners' capable of the most hideous crimes against God and man if left to their own vices; thereby possible abusers of the very people who are trying to help them. The other danger in this mix is, if two or more 'sinful' children living together are like-mind (sexual, stealing, lying, drugs/alcohol/smoking) they will seek to act out their desires/passions together. Even the most well-trained, well-educated doctors are stumped when it comes to this 'acting out'. (See The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog by Dr. Bruce Perry) What discipline can you exact to drive the message home that this behavior or attitude is unacceptable in the 'home' or in society for that matter? And if the 'parents', be it foster or group home/orphanage, are always changing, then so are the conditions for acceptable behavior vs. punishable behavior. Yikes! So much to process in theory as well as practicality.
Dear Sir,
You
posed the question...which is more beneficial for
children in America taken from their homes by Social Services, to be placed in
a group home or a foster care home prior to returning to birth-family or
adoption or their 18th birthday?
This
is a very interesting question of which we have given quite a bit of thought to
over the last seven years. What precipitated our internal query into the subject
is the interesting fact that we adopted four girls through our local foster
care system, four children through a Russian orphanage and three children who
had been in the Philippine's orphanage and foster care/group home system as
well as having three children by birth. By God's sovereign design all eleven of
our adopted children (regardless of country origin) had at least one, if not
more, of their 'new siblings' sharing similar stories and ages of when they
first came into 'State care' as well as similar ages of when we adopted them.
How these children adjusted, embraced or rejected our family, having the
'control factor' of three birth-children as well as having many friends who
have adopted, gave rise to the question...Which 'Public Institution'
(orphanage, foster care, or group home) is best to help a child adjust to being
placed in a permanent family by adoption or to enter the world on the 18th birthday?
The
curious thing is, our foreign-born children (ranging in ages from 8-12
years old) coming from an orphanage and group home setting did better adjusting
to the ebb and flow of joining an adoptive family (at least at first). The 11
yr. old who came from a foster home in the USA had a much harder time of
adjusting. There are many factors that could and do attribute to this
difference but the one that is most pertinent to this conversation is the
reality that the girls loyalty was to their birth-family though parental rights
had been terminated and they could not have contact until their 18th
birthday. They had not come to terms with this in the truest sense or in the
depths of their heart. So when they were approached regarding adoption they
were all for it as the next step in
‘housing’; not because they wanted to have fellowship, bond with, or learn from
these new parents. It is with these experiences in mind that we share the
following thoughts.
There
are true advantages to placing older children/young adults (10 yrs old to 18)
in a group home or orphanage The often traumatic but necessary event of 'taking
children from their birth-family' creates emotions and reactions that could be
better processed if the child were with other children of 'like situation'. The
process of placing this older child/young adult in a family setting to be
repeatedly moved or jostled from visits with birth-family to assimilating into
foster-family puts a toll on all involved. Often in these moves between foster
families there are changes in school of which they are the 'only ones' in
foster care. So not only do they have to deal with the emotions of leaving
birth-family (even if it is bad, it is all they knew!) they have the emotions of
'joining' another family culture (hopefully of a higher moral character then
the one they came from) and peer culture adding new stress on top of the stress
of uncertainty. The group home setting adds stability to an unstable situation.
The child is mainly forced to adjust to a few rules to make life pleasant for
all occupants. In a foster home situation the child not only must obey the
family rules but typically is expected to join in the family activities and adapt
to their 'way of doing things'. Now for some children this is a welcome change
and a dream come true. But for many teenagers this is just fodder for more
rebellion and wayward behavior meaning removal to a new foster home. Also, if
the State decides to try birth-parent and child reunion and it does not work,
the child never returns to the former foster care home; but maybe they could
return to the same group home (unfamiliar with group home policy). This
would cut down on adjustments while in 'the system'.
Younger
children are no less subject to the emotions and trauma of being displaced from
their birth-families. However, due to the fact that they are not as peer driven
and still need nurturing, they are better suited to be placed in foster care
families where their individual needs can be met and directed towards healthy
responses. This not only applies to their physical needs but as well as their
emotional, mental, and spiritual needs. Babies (0-3 yo) are in particular need
of individualized care which only foster care can provide. Studies have shown
the benefits of rocking, holding especially during bottle feeding, eye contact,
engaged conversation, etc. goes miles towards healthy development (Inside The Brain by Ronald Kotulak). This cannot be
properly or adequately done in a group home or orphanage setting.
A fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart
may discover itself. Proverbs 18:2
Even these two assessments, based on having adopted several children of varying ages and backgrounds, is flawed from the beginning. The reality is, we live in a fallen world where sin is the driving force of man's nature; if he has not been 'born again' of the Holy Spirit. So the act of putting children in a group home, orphanage, or foster home is compounded by the adults and the children they are trying to help. It is difficult enough to deal with a child who lies, steals, and cheats when you have adopted them. It is a whole other game when they are 'Wards of the State' and they are seen as victims of abuse instead of potential abusers themselves. They should be seen as 'little sinners' capable of the most hideous crimes against God and man if left to their own vices; thereby possible abusers of the very people who are trying to help them. The other danger in this mix is, if two or more 'sinful' children living together are like-mind (sexual, stealing, lying, drugs/alcohol/smoking) they will seek to act out their desires/passions together. Even the most well-trained, well-educated doctors are stumped when it comes to this 'acting out'. (See The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog by Dr. Bruce Perry) What discipline can you exact to drive the message home that this behavior or attitude is unacceptable in the 'home' or in society for that matter? And if the 'parents', be it foster or group home/orphanage, are always changing, then so are the conditions for acceptable behavior vs. punishable behavior. Yikes! So much to process in theory as well as practicality.
Except the Lord build the house, they labour in vain that
build it. Psalm 127
As
Christians, the first thing that must be addressed regarding this entire issue biblically is the question: What is the Lord's desire regarding
orphans/fatherless?! Historically, it is documented that first century
Christians took it upon themselves to care for the abandoned children and to
appoint church leaders to oversee their care and placement in a Christian
family to be taught the things of Christ. (The Atheism of the Early Church, R.J. Rushdoony and The Rise of Christianity,W.H.C. Frend) This tradition can be seen today in part with Crisis
Pregnancy Centers, foster care systems, orphanages/children’s homes, and
adoption agencies. Unfortunately, the Church to a very large extent has given
up the responsibility to the State. (It is a travesty!) Yet the Lord has and is
raising up individuals who still believe in James 1:27 through adoption
agencies, foster care homes, and adoption. However, ground could also be
recovered with group homes playing an integral part of God's plan if it is a
place where children will be 'taught of the Lord'.
A father of the fatherless...God setteth the solitary in
families. Psalms 68:5-6
We truly believe the ultimate goal of the Lord is for
orphaned/abandoned children (whether by parent's death or termination of
rights) to be in Christian families through adoption. This again is where group
homes and foster care could play a very active role! Children coming into the 'system' have
months, if not years, of waiting for parental-rights to be terminated, thereby
making them available for adoption. In this interim period, the child can be in
a situation where they are taught of the Lord through scriptures, counseled
based on biblical principals (How To Help People Change, Jay E. Adams), and instructed in appropriate forms of behavior and
attitude (The Heart of Anger, Lou Proilo) before entering a family permanently. This is also a time when the
children can be 'screened' for their 'desire' to be placed in a family; not all
children want to be adopted and not all children want to grow up without loving and supportive parents.
Hope
this is of use to you.
In
His Service,
Bob and Katherine
Sanford
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