While upon this sea of life
be it tumultuous or calm...
may your Truth
be our compass
may your Word
be our rudder
may your Wisdom
be our helm
may your Spirit
be our sail
may your Son
be our North Star.
15MAR2010
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Surprised By Sin
For all have sinned… Romans 2:23
It felt as
if my whole body was on fire! My chest burned, my heart raced, my throat
constricted raising the pitch of my voice. With clinched hands and tense
muscles, I was beginning to shake. Adrenalin was coursing through my body
producing a ‘fight’ response. What triggered this acute reaction? My 11 year
old daughter! She was repeatedly denying her actions of disobedience though she
had been caught in the very act. Lie upon lie ensued; spoken with a calm
monotone voice and only after prompting her out of silence to my questions with
threats of punishment.
What had
happened to me has a very singular and short name, it was rage! I had never
experienced this phenomenon in my entire 37 years at the time. Nor had I ever
seen it exhibited by anyone else except in movies and that by the ‘bad guy’. Yet there it was in its full ugliness and control.
I wish I
could say that first occurrence of rage was my last but then I would be lying; which
is the very thing that initiated the response in my heart the first time! There
is just nothing like asking a child a question, especially a reasonable
question, to have them continually lie; skirting the initial question with
randomly related, but slightly off subject, answers.
Everyday
became a battle for survival, not for basic needs like food, clothes, and
shelter, those were ever present, but for sanity! Every moment I was on point,
watching for lies, manipulation, and deception. Fighting to keep my wits as
children, who had spent 3, 8, and 11 years perfecting these sins, easily
maneuvered around our family expectations and boundaries without remorse or
sorrow.
It didn’t
start out like that. It was an exciting day. The Lord had already blessed us
with three wonderful birth-children and, just three weeks prior, a darling 2 ½
year old baby girl placed in our home for ‘foster to adopt’…three weeks of
heavenly adoption bliss! So when the call came that three sisters needed an
immediate ‘foster to adopt’ placement due to disruption, it seemed another perfect gift from God (after a family meeting with much prayer) to welcome these
girls into our home and family.
They arrived
by van. The youngest jumped out eager to give her new ‘twin’ sister a picture
she had drawn. The middle child followed close behind with the oldest slow to
climb out of the back seat of the vehicle and into the circle of this new
family standing on the front yard of her new home. The girls enjoyed the tour
of the house, the look of their new bedroom, and the pizza we had for dinner.
They seemed to settle right into the workings of our family and the next two
weeks were a pleasant time of discovery; them learning us and we learning much
about them.
I am not
sure how or what started it, but within a month, our home had become a
battleground. We could have sent the girls away as we were still in the
six-month waiting period, but we knew God wanted them to be our daughters. So
the battles raged day in and day out. Then it happened.
It was so
simple. During family worship, Dad was reading aloud from Proverbs when the
truth hit…he was reading about our daughters. Then the next bombshell hit, this
behavior is not new, it was not adoption related or past abuse/neglect related,
it was sin related! And not only was it our daughters’ sin but ours as well
that was perpetuating all these behaviors!
And ye shall know the truth, and the
truth shall make you free. John 8:32
It did not
happen overnight and it did not happen without set-backs, but there we were, peace
filling our home and children living in happy obedience (most of the time, they
are still kids!).
How did it
happen? We believed God. We peeled the layers of our child’s heart back, found
the lie and replaced it with truth. We sought to live faithful lives as
examples of the truth of scripture in front of and with our children (most of
the time, we are still sinners!). And we trusted God that He would bless it
(Psalm 128) which He has abundantly!
Now we are
no longer surprised by sin, in ourselves or our children. Instead we understand,
by God’s grace and through the Word, what is happening in all of our hearts. No
surprise there, The heart is deceitful
above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? Jeremiah 17:9
And thankfully,
the Lord (who is never surprised by sin) gives us something to strive for
complete with an assurance….let us not
love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth. And hereby we know
that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. For if our
heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved,
if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God. 1 John 3:18-21
It is a
beautiful thing. It is a humbling thing. It is our obligation as a command from
the Lord to ‘teach it to our children’. We are very glad we do.
Psalm 128
Blessed
is every one that feareth the Lord; that walketh in his ways.
For thou shalt eat the labour of thine
hands: happy shalt thou be,
and it shall be well with thee.
Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine by
the sides of thine house:
thy children like olive plants round
about thy table.
Behold,
that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the Lord.
The Lord shall bless thee out of Zion:
and thou shalt see the good of Jerusalem
all the days of thy life.
Yea,
thou shalt see thy children's children, and peace upon Israel.
For Him,
Katherine (with Bob)
Friday, April 13, 2012
Before there was blogging...
...there was journaling.
It was 14 years ago when the Lord so heavily burden my heart to adopt that every song, every sermon, every movie seemed to cry out, 'adopt a child'! My husband was not so burdened and had no problem sleeping at night with this decision. For months, I would randomly bring up to him this burden and dream of adopting which had been planted as a seed in my heart at the age of 12 but had now grown into a tree desiring to bear fruit. He would patiently (and not so patiently at times) listen to my plea, but the answer was usually the same...."We don't have the money."
Foster care to adopt had never been considered as an option, mostly because we knew nothing about it. But one day the Lord had me discover a full-page ad in the newspaper sharing the number of 'available children' for adoption and how to proceed. I was sold, it would cost nothing. My husband was less than impressed, but God was working in his heart. On July 4th, after another, "but why not?" from me on the front steps of our 'miracle home' (that is a story for another time), he turned, took me in his arms, looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you. I will not stand in the way of your dream. It is time for me to grow-up and this will help."
I wrote in my journal July 7, 1998:
"My heart is full because the first hurtle in my prayer to you for adoption has been crossed...(my husband's words written above were here)...To you all Glory and Praise. Lord, now I commend to you this process. Lead us, prepare us, and bless us with the children you want us to have. Give us strength in our marriage and ourselves to face this trial till the adoption is complete. We do this with your Kingdom in mind. For all will pass away except those souls who know and serve you. Father, my earnest prayer is that all our children become believers. May Bob and I accept the challenge to be faithful parents. Sold out to you, totally convicted and committed. Lord, please don't let them turn from you. Grab their hearts and that of their spouses and keep them focused on you. Teach us how to lead this brood. I pray for Joshua, Taylor (Garrison), and Melinda to turn to you and be dependent on you. For our children to come, I pray acceptance of us as their parents and family, and acceptance of you as their Lord and Savior. Jesus, suffer these little children to come unto you. Use us as the vessel for your work in their lives. To you, Lord Jesus, all glory, honor, and praise. Amen."
Thus began our adoption journey which I have been journaling for 14 years. Over the next days and weeks, I will be 'blogging' many of these journal entries. May they be a blessing and an encouragement to all who read them!
Blessings,
Katherine
It was 14 years ago when the Lord so heavily burden my heart to adopt that every song, every sermon, every movie seemed to cry out, 'adopt a child'! My husband was not so burdened and had no problem sleeping at night with this decision. For months, I would randomly bring up to him this burden and dream of adopting which had been planted as a seed in my heart at the age of 12 but had now grown into a tree desiring to bear fruit. He would patiently (and not so patiently at times) listen to my plea, but the answer was usually the same...."We don't have the money."
Foster care to adopt had never been considered as an option, mostly because we knew nothing about it. But one day the Lord had me discover a full-page ad in the newspaper sharing the number of 'available children' for adoption and how to proceed. I was sold, it would cost nothing. My husband was less than impressed, but God was working in his heart. On July 4th, after another, "but why not?" from me on the front steps of our 'miracle home' (that is a story for another time), he turned, took me in his arms, looked me in the eyes and said, "I love you. I will not stand in the way of your dream. It is time for me to grow-up and this will help."
I wrote in my journal July 7, 1998:
"My heart is full because the first hurtle in my prayer to you for adoption has been crossed...(my husband's words written above were here)...To you all Glory and Praise. Lord, now I commend to you this process. Lead us, prepare us, and bless us with the children you want us to have. Give us strength in our marriage and ourselves to face this trial till the adoption is complete. We do this with your Kingdom in mind. For all will pass away except those souls who know and serve you. Father, my earnest prayer is that all our children become believers. May Bob and I accept the challenge to be faithful parents. Sold out to you, totally convicted and committed. Lord, please don't let them turn from you. Grab their hearts and that of their spouses and keep them focused on you. Teach us how to lead this brood. I pray for Joshua, Taylor (Garrison), and Melinda to turn to you and be dependent on you. For our children to come, I pray acceptance of us as their parents and family, and acceptance of you as their Lord and Savior. Jesus, suffer these little children to come unto you. Use us as the vessel for your work in their lives. To you, Lord Jesus, all glory, honor, and praise. Amen."
Thus began our adoption journey which I have been journaling for 14 years. Over the next days and weeks, I will be 'blogging' many of these journal entries. May they be a blessing and an encouragement to all who read them!
Blessings,
Katherine
What was she thinking?
(Editors note: These are the thoughts and opinions of our daughter regarding a well-known adoption book. The title and author have been removed as truly the book itself is not the point of sharing this discourse. It is our desire for other adoptive parents to have a glimpse into the heart and mind of a RAD child who has been raised in a Christian family for 13 years and is loved by her parents though she does not love them back. What we hope you discover is, though she will not embrace our God, she has embraced many principles we teach. And though we admit she has an angry tone to her discourse, it is the first time we were able to see her true heart regarding her position on adoption.)
A few days ago I was sitting in the living room, bored and unsure of what to do next. I happened to glance at the bookshelf full of adoption books, collected over the years of my parents adoption career. An idea hit. I thought it might be interesting to read one and find out what people thought of, and taught about adoption. Being a fifteen year old adoptee, I've been through the process and have culminated many ideas of my own. I shared the idea with my mom and she gave me a book by...(Editors note: title and author have been removed.) Mom said she'd be interested to know what I though of it and I was too.
So, I took a seat and began to read. What I found in that small book, completely surprised and frustrated me. I couldn't believe some of the things she was writing! When I told Mom some of my frustration, she suggested that, since I'm a writer, I take notes. So I did. I've come up with 20 different areas where I disagree with author, and I've used my past experiences to come up with the following 20 points.
Point #1. The first thing that caught my attention in this book, was the way the author referred to the kids with RAD or reactive attachment disorder. (Just as a side note, I'm a RAD child!) She calls them (us) disturbed, ab-normal, sick, un-healthy, and more, as if we were aliens from Mars or kids with some kind of disease. RAD isn't a disease! She also says that other kids (most likely one that aren't adopted) are healthy and normal! I bet she never even considered that a birth-child has just as much chance of being a 'RAD child', as an adopted kid does! But seriously! Going around telling people that their kid is sick in the head because they don't love you, will only cause that kid to resent you all the more. Has she ever considered that if you actually treated your child like a normal person (yet still kept boundaries to make sure they don't disobey) they might actually step up to the plate and prove themselves? A kid who knows you think of them as animals won't even bother trying to earn your respect; you've already proved what you think of them.
Point #2. You do NOT need a therapist! The author implied that one was absolutely necessary, but I completely disagree! Seriously people! Your child is just learning to attach to you as their parents and you go and throw in a therapist who knows nothing about your kid or your family, and you think it's going to help? If you need a therapist to raise your so-called 'sick' kids, then why don't you need a therapist to train your other 'healthy' children? The therapist is the professional, so they should obviously be the ones raising your kids, because you are totally under-qualified! You don't have a degree in psychology, so you can't possible know how to train your own children! Really? That's just crazy!
Point #3. Just because a child wasn't loved from birth, does not mean that they are incapable of showing love! Try applying that logic elsewhere. For example, let's say that from your child's birth to their third year, you didn't once show anger or frustration towards him. Does that now mean that your child is completely incapable of showing anger themselves? You wish! Just because your child (either adopted or birth) refuses to love you, does not mean they are incapable. Have you considered that your child might refuse to bond with you simple because he is a bratty little kid? Just a thought.
Point #4. I noticed that the author often said not to ask the question why, and merely focused on outward behavior only. I believe that simply focusing on the exterior behavior of your child and ignoring the 'why' (editors note: heart) is ridiculous! If you never get to the core of why something is happening (temper-tantrums, etc.) how will you ever stop it? Sure, if your kid throws-up, for instance, and you make them clean it up, in time, they may stop throwing-up purposefully. And, if your goal is to simply stop the outward behavior, then congratulations! You did it! But if your purpose is to find why your child is doing something, merely making them clean it up is not going to help.
Point #5. I found that the author thought it necessary that parents attend some sort of training session before attempting to train their child. I find nothing wrong with seeking advice from those more learned than yourself, but to say that it's necessary? Each child is different, and therefore you might have to slightly tweak your training for each. The government doesn't know your kids! That's why they're your children in the first place!
Point #6. The author often referred to the parents as 'awesome' and 'powerful'. While I agree that you as parents deserve your child's honor and obedience, that doesn't mean your kid is going to like it. By telling you you're awesome beings, deserving of praise, the author is bordering on saying you're the master and your child's your slave. In a technical sense, the slave-master relationship is true. But if the goal is to gain the heart of your child, telling them to treat you like a mini-god is not the best of ideas.
Point #7. Something I found crazy about the author, is she says saying "Yes, ma'am" or "No, sir" makes a kid feel unwanted. Excuse me? I've been saying "Yes, sir" to my dad for the past thirteen years and not once have I felt 'un-wanted' because of it. It implanted in my mind the fact that my parents are in-charge and I am to respect them.
Point #8. Another thing I found crazy is all the talk about schedules, especially with the author's so-called 'snuggle-time'. It's not scheduled! It just happens! When living in the midst of a family, snuggle-time or one-on-one conversations aren't planned for 'such-and-such a time on next Tuesday'. Seriously! Life isn't lived by the clock or your calendar.
Point #9. When you prepare a meal, your child eats it! They don't get sent away to have 'quiet-time' because they refused to eat. Even if they don't like what your serve, you still have to make them at least eat another few bites to prove that they MUST obey you. Don't give them control!
Point #10. When your child develops a habit (such as hiding food, which the author discusses), do you honestly think by giving them food to hide you're going to help them? They will only think you approve of what they are doing!
Point #11. When your child continues to throw-up their meal, you have to ask yourself, are they really sick? Or is something else going on? Children who have been starved and underfed will probably resort to stuffing themselves until they are sick. But guess what? If you serve regular meals and make raiding the kitchen against the rules, your child will have no chance to gorge themselves! And when they continue throwing-up, even after the above precautions? Go deeper, Have you ever thought maybe (just maybe) your child has a wicked heart and simply throws-up because they aren't getting their way? Really guys! You can trust me on this one; I have experience!
Point #12. Telling your child not to ask curiosity questions is not a good idea. Questions are a way of communication. When your child engages you (of his/her own free will) to ask a question is normally a good thing.
Point #13. When a child throws a fit, you NEVER just let them do it or even play along! Can't you see that you are only encouraging them? Also, alone time isn't always the best idea. If you don't fight for your child through their emotions, they won't respect you. If you leave them to themselves, their will only get angrier and harder as they convince themselves that they are in the right.
Point #14. Saying that your child won't trust you because you spank them is ridiculous! If you tell them you're going to spank them when they disobey, then spank them. Oh my word! They won't trust you because you actually kept your word?!
Point #15. Okay, saying a kid won't have friends until they attach to their parents is so wrong! I had the exact opposite problem. I had great relationships with friends and even strangers, but I hated being with my parents. I do agree that a child should develop an attachment to their parents, first and foremost. But saying that they are incapable of making friends until that happens is completely wrong.
Point #16. I don't believe it's a must for a child to receive 'eight hugs a day' as the author puts it. "Touch is so vital, humans actually die without it." Are you serious? I rarely get touched and I'm alive! You could hug your kid ALL DAY LONG, and they will never change! I do agree that you should hug your children. But as a teenager, I'd prefer a one-on-one conversation any day. It could vary between children. But to say touch is vital for survival with all children is not exactly right. Again, trust me, I have experience!
Point #17. To say that homeschooling your RAD kid will only make your bonding harder is just crazy! If you're trying to bond with your child, one of the BEST WAYS to do that is by homeschooling. This is because they are with you all day, not some teacher who they don't know. Homeschooling gives you the opportunity to spend as much time with your child as possible. And it also gives you, as the parent, control over exactly what your child is learning.
Point #18. I completely disagree with giving your daughter birth-control pills! That's crazy! You're teaching your child in the course of their life not to steal, lie...or kill. And then you just go and give your daughter a pill that murders! Despite what you may call it, it is murder, and you've just undone all the teaching you've given on the preservation of life! If they have your full consent (and even help) to fornicate and then murder a child, (Editors note: she means through abortion of possible zygote, the fertilized egg.) how can you tell them not to murder another person? How can you say one is right and the other is wrong, when they are technically the same thing?
Point #19. I agree that you shouldn't always dwell in the past, but saying that bringing up past mistakes (not even past trauma) is traumatizing? Perhaps for some. But I believe that looking back on past mistakes can help you in the present. If your kid sees the consequences of that past decision, they may choose to do differently the next time. I also think it's encouraging to look back and see how far you've come. It makes you feel as if you're progressing instead of being bogged down in the same old stuff.
Point #20. As my final point, I think it's important to say, I don't think keeping a relationship with your child's birth-family is a good idea. When they make the transition from that family to yours, they are letting go of their old family. Besides, if your child's biological family is giving them up to you, then the obviously don't care enough about the child to do what it takes to care for them. So, since they don't want their own child, I don't think you should remain in contact or fellowship with them.
Conclusion. Over all, I believe the author has a good motive for writing her book; wanting to help families with RAD kids. But I believe she goes about it from the completely wrong side. Not to be disrespectful, but from some of the things she writes, you'd think she knew next-to-nothing about adopted kids with RAD. Being one myself (a RAD kid and adopted) I know a lot about the things she speaks on and I also know how wrongly she portrays them. Yes, love your kids! But to say hug more, talk less? If I had to choose one thing in the past thirteen years of my adopted life which helped me most, it would be the conversations I've had with my parents.
The End
January 2012
A few days ago I was sitting in the living room, bored and unsure of what to do next. I happened to glance at the bookshelf full of adoption books, collected over the years of my parents adoption career. An idea hit. I thought it might be interesting to read one and find out what people thought of, and taught about adoption. Being a fifteen year old adoptee, I've been through the process and have culminated many ideas of my own. I shared the idea with my mom and she gave me a book by...(Editors note: title and author have been removed.) Mom said she'd be interested to know what I though of it and I was too.
So, I took a seat and began to read. What I found in that small book, completely surprised and frustrated me. I couldn't believe some of the things she was writing! When I told Mom some of my frustration, she suggested that, since I'm a writer, I take notes. So I did. I've come up with 20 different areas where I disagree with author, and I've used my past experiences to come up with the following 20 points.
Point #1. The first thing that caught my attention in this book, was the way the author referred to the kids with RAD or reactive attachment disorder. (Just as a side note, I'm a RAD child!) She calls them (us) disturbed, ab-normal, sick, un-healthy, and more, as if we were aliens from Mars or kids with some kind of disease. RAD isn't a disease! She also says that other kids (most likely one that aren't adopted) are healthy and normal! I bet she never even considered that a birth-child has just as much chance of being a 'RAD child', as an adopted kid does! But seriously! Going around telling people that their kid is sick in the head because they don't love you, will only cause that kid to resent you all the more. Has she ever considered that if you actually treated your child like a normal person (yet still kept boundaries to make sure they don't disobey) they might actually step up to the plate and prove themselves? A kid who knows you think of them as animals won't even bother trying to earn your respect; you've already proved what you think of them.
Point #2. You do NOT need a therapist! The author implied that one was absolutely necessary, but I completely disagree! Seriously people! Your child is just learning to attach to you as their parents and you go and throw in a therapist who knows nothing about your kid or your family, and you think it's going to help? If you need a therapist to raise your so-called 'sick' kids, then why don't you need a therapist to train your other 'healthy' children? The therapist is the professional, so they should obviously be the ones raising your kids, because you are totally under-qualified! You don't have a degree in psychology, so you can't possible know how to train your own children! Really? That's just crazy!
Point #3. Just because a child wasn't loved from birth, does not mean that they are incapable of showing love! Try applying that logic elsewhere. For example, let's say that from your child's birth to their third year, you didn't once show anger or frustration towards him. Does that now mean that your child is completely incapable of showing anger themselves? You wish! Just because your child (either adopted or birth) refuses to love you, does not mean they are incapable. Have you considered that your child might refuse to bond with you simple because he is a bratty little kid? Just a thought.
Point #4. I noticed that the author often said not to ask the question why, and merely focused on outward behavior only. I believe that simply focusing on the exterior behavior of your child and ignoring the 'why' (editors note: heart) is ridiculous! If you never get to the core of why something is happening (temper-tantrums, etc.) how will you ever stop it? Sure, if your kid throws-up, for instance, and you make them clean it up, in time, they may stop throwing-up purposefully. And, if your goal is to simply stop the outward behavior, then congratulations! You did it! But if your purpose is to find why your child is doing something, merely making them clean it up is not going to help.
Point #5. I found that the author thought it necessary that parents attend some sort of training session before attempting to train their child. I find nothing wrong with seeking advice from those more learned than yourself, but to say that it's necessary? Each child is different, and therefore you might have to slightly tweak your training for each. The government doesn't know your kids! That's why they're your children in the first place!
Point #6. The author often referred to the parents as 'awesome' and 'powerful'. While I agree that you as parents deserve your child's honor and obedience, that doesn't mean your kid is going to like it. By telling you you're awesome beings, deserving of praise, the author is bordering on saying you're the master and your child's your slave. In a technical sense, the slave-master relationship is true. But if the goal is to gain the heart of your child, telling them to treat you like a mini-god is not the best of ideas.
Point #7. Something I found crazy about the author, is she says saying "Yes, ma'am" or "No, sir" makes a kid feel unwanted. Excuse me? I've been saying "Yes, sir" to my dad for the past thirteen years and not once have I felt 'un-wanted' because of it. It implanted in my mind the fact that my parents are in-charge and I am to respect them.
Point #8. Another thing I found crazy is all the talk about schedules, especially with the author's so-called 'snuggle-time'. It's not scheduled! It just happens! When living in the midst of a family, snuggle-time or one-on-one conversations aren't planned for 'such-and-such a time on next Tuesday'. Seriously! Life isn't lived by the clock or your calendar.
Point #9. When you prepare a meal, your child eats it! They don't get sent away to have 'quiet-time' because they refused to eat. Even if they don't like what your serve, you still have to make them at least eat another few bites to prove that they MUST obey you. Don't give them control!
Point #10. When your child develops a habit (such as hiding food, which the author discusses), do you honestly think by giving them food to hide you're going to help them? They will only think you approve of what they are doing!
Point #11. When your child continues to throw-up their meal, you have to ask yourself, are they really sick? Or is something else going on? Children who have been starved and underfed will probably resort to stuffing themselves until they are sick. But guess what? If you serve regular meals and make raiding the kitchen against the rules, your child will have no chance to gorge themselves! And when they continue throwing-up, even after the above precautions? Go deeper, Have you ever thought maybe (just maybe) your child has a wicked heart and simply throws-up because they aren't getting their way? Really guys! You can trust me on this one; I have experience!
Point #12. Telling your child not to ask curiosity questions is not a good idea. Questions are a way of communication. When your child engages you (of his/her own free will) to ask a question is normally a good thing.
Point #13. When a child throws a fit, you NEVER just let them do it or even play along! Can't you see that you are only encouraging them? Also, alone time isn't always the best idea. If you don't fight for your child through their emotions, they won't respect you. If you leave them to themselves, their will only get angrier and harder as they convince themselves that they are in the right.
Point #14. Saying that your child won't trust you because you spank them is ridiculous! If you tell them you're going to spank them when they disobey, then spank them. Oh my word! They won't trust you because you actually kept your word?!
Point #15. Okay, saying a kid won't have friends until they attach to their parents is so wrong! I had the exact opposite problem. I had great relationships with friends and even strangers, but I hated being with my parents. I do agree that a child should develop an attachment to their parents, first and foremost. But saying that they are incapable of making friends until that happens is completely wrong.
Point #16. I don't believe it's a must for a child to receive 'eight hugs a day' as the author puts it. "Touch is so vital, humans actually die without it." Are you serious? I rarely get touched and I'm alive! You could hug your kid ALL DAY LONG, and they will never change! I do agree that you should hug your children. But as a teenager, I'd prefer a one-on-one conversation any day. It could vary between children. But to say touch is vital for survival with all children is not exactly right. Again, trust me, I have experience!
Point #17. To say that homeschooling your RAD kid will only make your bonding harder is just crazy! If you're trying to bond with your child, one of the BEST WAYS to do that is by homeschooling. This is because they are with you all day, not some teacher who they don't know. Homeschooling gives you the opportunity to spend as much time with your child as possible. And it also gives you, as the parent, control over exactly what your child is learning.
Point #18. I completely disagree with giving your daughter birth-control pills! That's crazy! You're teaching your child in the course of their life not to steal, lie...or kill. And then you just go and give your daughter a pill that murders! Despite what you may call it, it is murder, and you've just undone all the teaching you've given on the preservation of life! If they have your full consent (and even help) to fornicate and then murder a child, (Editors note: she means through abortion of possible zygote, the fertilized egg.) how can you tell them not to murder another person? How can you say one is right and the other is wrong, when they are technically the same thing?
Point #19. I agree that you shouldn't always dwell in the past, but saying that bringing up past mistakes (not even past trauma) is traumatizing? Perhaps for some. But I believe that looking back on past mistakes can help you in the present. If your kid sees the consequences of that past decision, they may choose to do differently the next time. I also think it's encouraging to look back and see how far you've come. It makes you feel as if you're progressing instead of being bogged down in the same old stuff.
Point #20. As my final point, I think it's important to say, I don't think keeping a relationship with your child's birth-family is a good idea. When they make the transition from that family to yours, they are letting go of their old family. Besides, if your child's biological family is giving them up to you, then the obviously don't care enough about the child to do what it takes to care for them. So, since they don't want their own child, I don't think you should remain in contact or fellowship with them.
Conclusion. Over all, I believe the author has a good motive for writing her book; wanting to help families with RAD kids. But I believe she goes about it from the completely wrong side. Not to be disrespectful, but from some of the things she writes, you'd think she knew next-to-nothing about adopted kids with RAD. Being one myself (a RAD kid and adopted) I know a lot about the things she speaks on and I also know how wrongly she portrays them. Yes, love your kids! But to say hug more, talk less? If I had to choose one thing in the past thirteen years of my adopted life which helped me most, it would be the conversations I've had with my parents.
The End
January 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Blessing the most High God
I blessed the most High, and I praised and honoured him that liveth for ever, whose dominion is an everlasting dominion, and his kingdom is from generation to generation: And all the inhabitants of the earth are reputed as nothing; and he doeth according to his will...among the inhabitants of the earth: and none can stay his hand, or say unto him, What doest thou?" Daniel 4:34-35
In these two verses Nebuchadnezzar preaches and declares the simple truth of the sovereignty of God. He had just spent 7 years living as a beast in the field - separated from his kingdom and the company of man - for speaking these very few words:
Is not this great Babylon, that I have built by the might of my power and for the honor of my majesty? Daniel 4:30
God had warned him in a dream, interpreted by Daniel (Dan. 4: 24-27), that it was to come to past and it did twelve months later.
God warns us in his word of his curses and he declares in his word his blessings. Though they may seem slow to come by man's reckoning, God's word is true and comes true in his timing. It is our responsibility to not grow weary in the wait nor turn to ourselves (or idols of our choosing) for comfort or exaltation.
Yet how beautiful it is that though we go through dark times, are separated from all that is comfortable and familiar - like Nebuchadnezzar because of our choices or like Job by God allowance - God is the great restorer! He loves his children and will use those times of chastisement or suffering to cleanse our hearts and sharpen them for his kingdom purposes.
The Lord promises to never leave us or forsake us; however, faith untried is not real faith. And a saint left to himself and self-exalting is not a saint until he is tried in the fire and emerges "blessing the most High God."
It is not our trials that define us, it is our joy to give God "praise and honor" at the deliverance from those trials that sets us apart as one belonging to His Kingdom!
Blessed be the Most High!
In these two verses Nebuchadnezzar preaches and declares the simple truth of the sovereignty of God. He had just spent 7 years living as a beast in the field - separated from his kingdom and the company of man - for speaking these very few words:
Is not this great Babylon, that I have built by the might of my power and for the honor of my majesty? Daniel 4:30
God had warned him in a dream, interpreted by Daniel (Dan. 4: 24-27), that it was to come to past and it did twelve months later.
God warns us in his word of his curses and he declares in his word his blessings. Though they may seem slow to come by man's reckoning, God's word is true and comes true in his timing. It is our responsibility to not grow weary in the wait nor turn to ourselves (or idols of our choosing) for comfort or exaltation.
Yet how beautiful it is that though we go through dark times, are separated from all that is comfortable and familiar - like Nebuchadnezzar because of our choices or like Job by God allowance - God is the great restorer! He loves his children and will use those times of chastisement or suffering to cleanse our hearts and sharpen them for his kingdom purposes.
The Lord promises to never leave us or forsake us; however, faith untried is not real faith. And a saint left to himself and self-exalting is not a saint until he is tried in the fire and emerges "blessing the most High God."
It is not our trials that define us, it is our joy to give God "praise and honor" at the deliverance from those trials that sets us apart as one belonging to His Kingdom!
Blessed be the Most High!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
'I Thought' Syndrome
But Naaman was wroth, and went away, and said, Behold, I thought, He will surely come out to me, and stand, and call on the name of the Lord his God, and strike his hand over the place, and recover the leper. 2 Kings 5:11
"I thought..." How many times have we spoken or heard those words to only have them complicate a situation? Our thoughts, despite what our pride leads us to believe, are often immaterial to what needs to happen especially for the Christian. In II kings 5 is the story of a man who had to discover what he thought served only himself and not the greater purpose of trusting and obeying God.
Naaman was a valiant and mighty man, captain of the host of the king of Syria; yet, he had a problem, a disease called leprosy. A young girl taken captive from Israel tells her mistress of a prophet in Samaria who could heal her husband Naaman. Naaman is told of this hopeful news. He approaches his king with the girl's story. The king of Syria granted permission for Naaman to go to the prophet and give him a letter of introduction to the king of Israel. Naaman went to Israel laden with gifts of silver, gold, and ten sets of clothes. After going by way of the king of Israel, who had a very wrong impression of the letter, Naaman finally pulls up in front of Elisha's home. We can only speculate, but Naaman was probably hoping against hope this would work. He comes to Elisha with all kinds of grandeur and huge amounts of payment. It appears as though he is expecting to impress the prophet with his wealth and status. Naaman wanted this to be full of pomp and circumstance, splendor and glory for him. Yet, Elisha never even comes out to see Naaman. He only sends word to tell Naaman what to do to be healed; it was not even that spectacular of a cure. In fact, it was repulsive to Naaman. Go dip in the water of the Jordan River seven times! Naaman was angry and he speaks those immortal words, "I thought...."
How often do we set things up in our mind which is nothing of God's plan? We process, analysis, and legitimize our ideas, our expectations, even our dreams to have God thwart them with something totally simple, totally out of the ordinary, which totally never crossed our mind. Naaman was a captain of the entire Syrian army. He was accustomed to pageantry and ceremony. He was a man who was used to being bowed down to, exalting his position. Naaman expected Elisha to come out to meet him and marvel at his gifts then to call upon the Lord waving his hands over the spot of leprosy thereby healing him. What a jolt to Naaman's ego, Elisha did not even come tot the door but sent a servant with a very simple and quick message. This prophet did nothing Naaman thought he would do; therefore, he wanted to abandon the whole idea and go home. Thankfully for us the story does not stop there. Naaman had wise servants who were not blinded by prestige or wealth. They convinced the great and mighty Naaman to do the simple thing...obey the prophet.
We may fancy ourselves to be great and mighty Christians since we adopted; then tragedy, disappointment, or troubles arise. We go to God in prayer, fasting, good works, and sacrifice, but nothing changes. God says, in the daily burdens and trials of parenting our challenging adopted children, 'trust and obey', we balk; it's to simple, not enough pomp and circumstance. He says, 'suffer the little children to come unto me', we bristle; there is too much suffering, not enough splendor. And He says 'do good to those who hate you', we rage; it requires too much self-dying, not enough glory. You may say, look haven't we been faithful? We tithe 10% of our income, we home school our children, we do family worship, we wear modest clothing, dad leads faithfully and mom submits happily (well, at least both of us try), we eat healthy food (at least mostly), we adopted a child just like you did us, and the list of works goes on.
I thought...we would be blessed and exalted, not persecuted by our family and friends.
I thought...if we obeyed James 1:27 life would be easy and successful, not full of sorrow and suffering.
I thought...if we obeyed Deuteronomy 6 our children would not rebel, breaking our hearts.
The wisdom of Scripture answers with:
Blessed are you when they revile and persecute you, and say all kinds of evil against you falsely for My sake. Matthew 5:11
Though He was a Son, yet He learned obedience by the things which He suffered. Hebrews 5:8
And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee. Psalm 9:10
Did you catch that, we are blessed, learning obedience, and God knows us! These are not meant to be panaceas for deep and real hurting pain, but only to expound upon the point; no matter what we are facing. or troubled with, the Lord only wants us to do the simple thing, trust Him and obey His commandments. God's ways are not our ways. He will never glorify the man, only his Son. Naaman humbled himself, obeyed the prophet, and dipped in the Jordan River seven times. We can only wonder if at each coming up out of the water whether his servants saw a change in his skin or if it was not until the coming up out of the water on the seventh dip. Either way Naaman was healed. His obedience made his skin fresh and new like that of a young child.
This same principle works for us today as well. When we obey our Lord as he has set forth in his Word, our heart, relationships, and vision is made fresh and new. Our leprous sin is removed upon his healing Naaman became an ardent worshipper of God. We, too, when we obey cannot help but worship the Lord.
We must try to refrain from the 'I thought' syndrome and teach our children the dangers of it as well. What if Naaman had stomped off when things did not go as he thought? What if he had not listened to the wise counsel of his servants? Pride has a way of exalting us to a level above the simple answer and above godly advice. We must humble ourselves and judge our obedience not by fame, wealth, health, or prestige, but by keeping our eyes on Christ no matter what is going on around us. If the eyes of faith drop, with suffering, trials, or even blessings, then anger or a sense of betrayal may come and the 'I thought' syndrome follows. Naaman learned there was a God in Israel who could do wondrous things. No doubt he shared this news with others. Let us do the same. And when we hear ourselves saying, "I thought..." let the wise counsel of the Word of God by the power of the Holy Spirit speak to our heart, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
Did you catch that, we are blessed, learning obedience, and God knows us! These are not meant to be panaceas for deep and real hurting pain, but only to expound upon the point; no matter what we are facing. or troubled with, the Lord only wants us to do the simple thing, trust Him and obey His commandments. God's ways are not our ways. He will never glorify the man, only his Son. Naaman humbled himself, obeyed the prophet, and dipped in the Jordan River seven times. We can only wonder if at each coming up out of the water whether his servants saw a change in his skin or if it was not until the coming up out of the water on the seventh dip. Either way Naaman was healed. His obedience made his skin fresh and new like that of a young child.
This same principle works for us today as well. When we obey our Lord as he has set forth in his Word, our heart, relationships, and vision is made fresh and new. Our leprous sin is removed upon his healing Naaman became an ardent worshipper of God. We, too, when we obey cannot help but worship the Lord.
We must try to refrain from the 'I thought' syndrome and teach our children the dangers of it as well. What if Naaman had stomped off when things did not go as he thought? What if he had not listened to the wise counsel of his servants? Pride has a way of exalting us to a level above the simple answer and above godly advice. We must humble ourselves and judge our obedience not by fame, wealth, health, or prestige, but by keeping our eyes on Christ no matter what is going on around us. If the eyes of faith drop, with suffering, trials, or even blessings, then anger or a sense of betrayal may come and the 'I thought' syndrome follows. Naaman learned there was a God in Israel who could do wondrous things. No doubt he shared this news with others. Let us do the same. And when we hear ourselves saying, "I thought..." let the wise counsel of the Word of God by the power of the Holy Spirit speak to our heart, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
A New Name
And thou shalt be called by a new name, which the mouth of the LORD shall name. Thou shalt also be a crown of glory in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of thy God. Thou shalt no more be termed Forsaken. Isaiah 62:2b-4a
To him that overcometh will I give to eat of the hidden manna, and will give him a white stone, and in the stone a new name written, which no man knoweth saving he that receiveth it. Revelation 2:17b
Imagine it. God gives us a new name when He adopts us. Most will not hear that new name until Christ calls them by it in heaven but what joy it will be to hear and even recognize it as ours. During their earthly journey, Abraham, Israel, Peter, and Paul are examples of some who received new names upon their encounter with the Lord. It was a calling out of these men to greater work then they had ever done before. Even the Son of God upon His earthly birth received a new name revealed by an angel to his mother and adoptive father. It was not 'I AM' as it had always been, but "thou shalt call his name Jesus" was God's command.
When we gave a new name to our adopted child it created, and immediately enhanced, the bond and identification of being a part of our family. This new name was the beginning of teaching them that they were a "new creation" in Christ, even before they were saved. It taught them to "lay up for themselves treasure in heaven," not treasures of this world. It declared to them that they have a future not incumbent upon their past.
A name gives value and blessing. How much you value something determines how or if you will name it. When our four children came from Russia, we gave them teddy bears. We asked them what the bear's name was and they looked totally perplexed. Name a toy! Why? It had no value. This was something they had to learn to do. We taught them to add 'value' to their belongings and claim them as their own just as we had given them names to claim them as our own.
When we adopted our two sister beagles, we chose names for them to reflect our family's old fashion names. So they went from being Lucky and Clover to being our dogs named Gertie and Betsy. Also, many people will name their cars. Our fifteen passenger van is called Mike and our 6x8 travel trailer is named Charlie.
When a parent names a child it gives them identity, a sense of purpose and worth. It is a form of blessing them as only a true parent can. We do not know why our children were given their birth-names though we think they are beautiful. But we can always emphatically state to them why they have their given-names from us. A powerful tool when calling a child out to be a godly man or woman!
The feelings of abandonment and isolation from the natural order of life (a mother caring for her child) are present in every adopted child from the new born infant to the married adult with their own children. It is real and foreboding. But it is not who they are! Nor is it who they will be. It is only who they were. The question is not whether they would like to be called by the only names they have ever known (birth-name). The question is what does their heart need?
They need to know in their heart that they belong to their adoptive parents as surely as if they had been born to them and that they are Christ's child. This is the Dad and Mom who had prayed for them, who opened their hearts and home to them though they were strangers, who teaches them of the providential love of God which placed them in their family and of His Kingdom purposes for their lives.
As every Believer knows, adoption by God does not negate our past but defines it. It was ordained before time began. We are all merely living out God's plan which ultimately is to glorify Jesus. The child's new name will always remind them and testify to them of their future every time they hear it or write it.
Copyright © 2007 Robert Sanford. All rights reserved
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